Today, I’m going to talk about a very personal topic.
Bats her eyes at the prince, “Very fine weather we’re having for this time of year.” -Esmeralda
“You really shouldn’t make such very personal remarks.” -Prince Charming
(By the way, I’m not so good at exact quotes, so those are rough estimates of what they said.)
No, I’m not really going to talk about the weather unless you factor in the analogy that my life is not always sunny days. It’s sunny, cloudy, mostly cloudy, stormy, icy (he!), light showers, snowstorms – well, you get the point. It’s like everybody else’s life!
Right now there is a part of me that is very frustrated because I don’t know what God is doing in my life. At least, I don’t have the full picture. Some inklings, yes, but then I think, what if I’m wrong?
Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1 KJV
I keep planning things, and God keeps redirecting. I’m supposed to be working today and instead I’m sitting in bed with a cold. What is so frustrating about that is the fact that I’ve been sick with different colds for over a month and I’ve had to cancel and reschedule my job as a live-in caregiver many multiples of times. I’m really surprised they haven’t just found somebody else, but they’ve been very gracious and just keep telling me to just get well and then rescheduling. They are so very kind, but I feel very awkward about it. It feels like somehow I’m being irresponsible, but there isn’t much I can to about it.
While it might seem I just have a case of bad luck or a weak immune system, I feel it is bigger than that. I’m at a point in life where I feel it is prudent to focus a little more on earning money so I’ve been switching away from “stay-at-home” mode to seeking monetary gain. :) Some might judge that harshly, but I’m aware of a greater picture and it is the prudent, responsible thing to do. At least, so it seems. ;) My life has changed a great deal over the last few years and I don’t feel that I’m being as valuable in the home anymore. (Partly aided and abetted by the fact that we, um, don’t have a typical home to speak of. :)) Personally, I enjoy home duties and would be content fulfilling them, but that isn’t practical at the moment. Unless, does anybody know of a housekeeping job? (Warning: I don’t come cheap.:))
Last year I left home (and the chaos that was unfolding – sorry folks!) to stay with my grandmother for what turned out to be something in the vicinity of a four month duration. When I returned, life was really up-at-ends and I decided to get a job as quickly as possible. Which I did. But, an issue came up that I felt strongly about and decided I needed to decline the position. God, what where you doing? I felt God’s leading, and things seemed perfect, but I didn’t have a complete peace about it. I still feel that I was supposed to pursue that job, and that I also did the right thing in turning it down. (Most of the time, but sometimes I wonder) It doesn’t make any sense, I know. I’m not some great spiritual guru, so please don’t ask me to come up with a very deep answer.
So while that was not coming together, the job as a live-in caregiver did. I enjoyed doing the job with Bessie, but getting up four times a night takes its toll. At least it did for me. So while I was sad that it ended not too much later, it was probably a good thing. From Bessie’s I went almost directly to my brother and sister-in-laws for around a month to stay with them and help in any way I could. I loved getting to spend time visiting with my sister-in-law and hanging out with my nephew! Oh, and of course seeing my brother too, but he wasn't around as much. When it was safe for my SIL to leave bed rest, I went to join my sister’s in house sitting for a couple weeks. That brought me to about the end of November.
After returning to my grandmothers for ten days in December, I finally returned “home” (the cabin) and settled in for Christmas and the holidays. By the first part of January I was feeling like, ‘okay, take a breath, I don’t have any impending travel engagements, it’s time to work on cash flow. (a.k.a. - a job!)
If memory serves me correctly, it was the next day that I was asked if I would do the job with Bessie again. I thought about it, talked to my counselors (:)) and said yes. I hadn’t even had time to look for a job and God gave me one! The first part of January, they kept changing when I would start working as they had to bring her home from the hospital/nursing home and get her settled. I realized the delay could be a problem because with a cold going round the family, I was bound to get it. And I did. So fast forward to now and I’ve managed to work once during the entire month and a half this has been in the works. Do I think I blew it accepting this job? No. I keep feeling like God brought it along to keep me from pursing anything else. But he probably has more reasons than that, God isn’t limited you know.
Am I frustrated? Yes. Well, a little bit. More with the practical aspect of this journey, such as calling and saying, “I’m really sorry, but I have another cold and I don’t want to expose Bessie to it.” As far as focusing on the big picture and trusting that God is working? Yes, sometimes my own lack of faith leaves me frustrated. I want to know what he wants me doing, and what the next step is so I can get cracking. Instead, I feel like God has me in a holding pattern. Not “doing” is really hard for me. Not feeling top notch and being overwhelmed with everything I should be doing, is really hard.
The good thing is this has made me pull out my Bible and seek God. Ask him, “what?” Saying, “this is a hard journey, I don’t understand it, but give me faith and let me trust you.” That is good. God is always there, but I come and go. When I don’t feel him by my side, it means not that he has left me, but that I have wandered from him.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. I Corinthians 13:12KJV
I don’t know or understand what God is doing at the moment, but I need to trust him. I also feel that I need to go forth and strive, to try, and trust that he will lead and direct. I want to have faith, but I don’t want it to be without works. Works is a little hard while you’re sick, but there are things I can do. Sometimes it is hard to do them though, it shouldn’t be an excuse, but when you’re sick, it easy to not want to be bothered.
Okay, that’s some of the real me. :) It isn’t exactly a stellar ending, but that is because I’m sharing part of a journey and it still stretches before me.
I’m excited because I see God working. I’m frustrated because I don’t always understand. That is where faith comes in thought, right?
Next, I think maybe I should try to take a nap. :) That is one work that might help me get well! After a rest, then maybe some MotherAde.
It seems cloudy at the moment, but rain and snow are part of the growing cycle!